i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
