Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
