Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
