This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
