Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
please come you make the beer taste better
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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