I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
