Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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