i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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