Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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