theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
