did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
