Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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