He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Why can't burritos get me drunk
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Did you pee in the oven last night??
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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