I CAN MOONWALK!
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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