dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
