i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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