I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Randomize
