I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
