NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
