i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I want to fling myself into the sun
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
