I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
