Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
