how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm passing your future prison.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
