At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
