hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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