i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
