I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
