I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
