Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
