If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wear drunk well.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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