Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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