if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
