I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
