shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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