just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
