I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Houston, we have a blender
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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