Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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