Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
