You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
