well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
