Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
