I swear she didn't look like that last week.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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