this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
