So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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