I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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