Pappa wants mamma naked
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
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