I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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