You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
