You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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