you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
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