It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
