She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
